Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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