I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
