Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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