How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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