Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
