Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
