Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
