I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
