dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
