Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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