My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
