I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
