my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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