remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
