Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
