I think my vagina is haunted
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize