my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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