please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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