youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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