The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
