she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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