I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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