Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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