if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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