I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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