You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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