If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
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