there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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