he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Success! We fucked roommates!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
