i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
