matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
