My first STD was from a foam party
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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