I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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