you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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