There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
