I think I won the penis lottery.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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