So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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