How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
