Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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