I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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