it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
