dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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