Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
