It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
