I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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