Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
