she looked like the before picture.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
