Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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