It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
