I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
