you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize