i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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