my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
