There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
