I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
