I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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