Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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