i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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