hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
