She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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