saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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