My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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